"No One Cares You Run Ultras” But, wait, I DID!

Every time I think about writing about my races this past fall I can’t help but think of this meme:

It’s true, I know. However, I also have a confession, I haven’t even brought myself to share with an ultra community about my races. I have been part of a female trail and ultra community on Facebook for almost a year now. I thought that running this 50k I would finally fully engage but in that world I still feel like an imposter. I only ran a 50K. Does that really even count? And then in my non-runner world, either no one cares and I don’t want to be the asshole bragging about my accomplishments. I don’t want to be any of those things, my guess is that there will always be someone I offend or annoy, maybe lots of people. This all leaves me to question two things: 1. Why do I push myself to run these events? 2. Why is it important for me to share? I do them because I want to see what I am capable of. And, I want to share in the hopes that someone else gets the spark to start seeing what they are capable of. SO, I am going to share this with You. You, who needed to hear about someone doing something hard. You, who needed to hear about how the negative voices can be calmed. You, who thought maybe today I will take that next step and do something amazing for myself.

This past September, I ran 6 hours in the Pawling 24hr Running Festival. I used it as part of my training for a 50k that I had signed up for in November. It consisted of running a 1.7 mile loop on road and trail as many times as I could within 6 hours. Others out there were running 3, 9 and 12 and 24 hours. I managed to run around 22 miles and really had a blast. My husband ran it, too, and our girls came and hung out for the day. We set up a tent and chairs (I never sat once, btw.) Another couple that we have gotten to know were also running it. All of us with varying degrees of experience. Friends and their kids were coming and going all day to support us. A local ultrarunner that I really admire was set up right across from us. She was the support crew for some friends and her husband. I was able to ask her questions like Why are my fingers swelling? Does that mean I need to stop? I was also really able to take the guesswork out of fueling and try a bunch of different real food options (something I had been wanting to try for a while) with less pressure of what happens if this doesn’t agree with my stomach. Oh yeah, and there were even clean bathrooms available. Wow! Going back through this, I realize how lucky I was to have had this opportunity practically in my backyard. I was able to check a lot of the boxes I intended: 1. Time on feet. (I had never run more than 5 hours.) 2. Fueling (because I had never run that long, I needed to learn how and what to eat in order to get enough calories). 3. Do I like this kind of challenge? 4. Can I push past the voices telling me to stop?

Coming into my November 50K (also local, but a 10k loop X 5 and this time with a lot more gain), I felt relatively prepared. I had hoped to get a longer training run in. However, I had done a number of technical runs that took a long time, but didn’t cover the mileage. I am definitely moving over to the time on feet camp while training as opposed to finishing all of the miles. Timed runs became my friend this time around. Not just to prevent injury but, also, so my kids remember they have a mom!

The day was cold for November. It was around 20 degrees (F). It was frosty, but a really beautiful fall morning. The Red Wing Fall Back into the Trails 50k was a race by name, but there was no cut off and the support (C.T.W Endurance) was small but effective. And I WAS SO NERVOUS. I am always so nervous in those moments before the race starts. It’s not until they say go, that I can finally chill the fuck out. I think it’s because I am nervous that my chatter will talk me into getting back into my warm car and driving right back into bed. That voice screaming “DON’T DO IT! YOU CAN’T DO THIS! YOU ARE SOOOO NOT PREPARED TO RUN OR EVEN CONSIDERING FINISHING THIS THING.” Once the race starts the voice settles in a bit. Takes a seat and starts talking. “See this hill, see you can’t run up it.” And I would respond, “That was the plan. It’s all ok”. Lap after lap, the voice gets tired. And, on my last lap something changed. Physically, I thought I couldn’t run one more step. I was walking a lot at this point. I had fallen around mile 15 and had jacked my hamstring or something. So here I am not willing to give up, but also in pain***. But then I noticed it was that voice signaling to me that I was in pain. That I should give up. That was who was attached to the pain. I acknowledged the voice and I pushed it away and said “You are not serving me right now, shut the fuck up.” And, guess what? It did. The pain was there but not in the same way. I ran the rest of the race, and I ran through that finish line. I saw my inner strength show up and I made myself proud. That, right there, is my why.

***I feel that it is important to note that I am fully aware that pain can also be a good signifier of injury. I have spent the last few years distinguishing between the two for myself. It is important to pay attention to pain.

PS In between writing this and posting it, I got to go for a run with a friend. I remembered how great it feels to spend time outside running in the woods in the winter. We also ran just about the same distance and elevation from one of the 50k loops. It felt great. It also felt great to be able to do this. The funny thing is that she texted me last night to say she was going 2 or 2 ½. I read that as miles. I was like, ok that’s not very far but maybe it’s a crazy climb, knowing her well enough. When I got there she laughed and said no I meant hours. We ended up running a little over 1 ½ hours which ended up being perfect. I am so grateful that I can move my body, spend time outdoors and do this with a friend to talk about all of the things.